It’s been a while, and I think it will be safe to say that I have been totally sucked into the corporate life. Which mind you, isn’t because where I work is a fancy MNC, but an owner driven 93 year old firm which masquerades itself as modern but has two 15 mins tea breaks and one 30 mins lunch break ONLY.
I am a pisces, and we are largely known to be happy go lucky kinda souls. I pride myself in the fact that by virtue of my sun sign and a couple of floozy astrologers, my optimism levels or ignorance is bliss attitude gets me going most of the time.
But off lately, life has been weird. No particular reason, but you know its that phase where you suddenly feel everything is coming at you at lightning’s speed from all four sides and you just can’t help the helplessness?
It is the time when you start feeling what your purpose in life is, whether to take the high road or the road not taken, or the one which is jammed with people on it?
It is the time when you start questioning your very existence, and mistakes that probably were made in all these years feel like blunders.
I am scared of commitments, attachments and responsibilities. As stupid as it may sound, I fear them not because I can’t handle them, I fear them because I feel I will let the other person down. And more than that, I fear them because I am scared of going to the place I vividly described above.
Hence I play smart, or at least I think I do. I have read all along how the universe listens and if you throw out thoughts, they become things. Sadly, I also manifested a 5’8 height but guess the universe has ear muffs on cuz that didn’t happen.
Okay coming back.
I come from a broken family, which technically shouldn’t be called a family, but 4 individuals living under one roof but aloof from each other. Even though 100% credit to mom for trying to get us to have a sane childhood, that feeling of fragmented bonding, incompleteness was always there.
Life was always about making sure I live up to expectations, be the perfect student, the perfect kid.
I studied not because I liked studying, I studied because I wanted appreciation. Friends were not friends but competition, because “XYZ ke tum se zada kaise aa gaye” was a statement I dreaded.
With friends, I made up scenarios of how cool my home was.
And trust me, leading a double life is a challenge in itself
Because I had never seen a welcoming environment, a free flow of communication or rather any communication at home, I too never found a safe space to express my joys, my worries, my concerns, and most importantly which boy I was infatuated with in that moment.
For a kid in class 4,5,6, this is one of the most pressing issues ya. This and nailing the perfect hairstyle that was in trend.
I have never been a rebellious kid, rather preferred to sulk in silence.
I guess it kept on piling up, and I dealt with it in the smartest way ever- shove it under the carpet 🙂
So whenever anyone asked me how I was doing, I always said GOOD!
It’s because the little kid in me reasoned that the universe heard thoughts, but for sure couldn’t see expressions, right?! You see, smart has always been my middle name 🙂
But, every night my tear ducts faced perpetual leaks.
Cut to 26 year old Su.
I am still the same. I hide my emotions behind my smile. I shove my feelings under my already overflowing carpet, and time being the best healer, does it’s job, and I end up forgetting about what made me sad.
The littlest of things affect me. The day I make someone smile, it becomes the best. This is only because I have learnt that we humans are simply looking for appreciation, we want to be valued.
Having blabbered on for a while, I have still not tackled why I end up crying for no reason. Its because, for someone like me, it’s the little things that are everything. A simple smile does wonders for me. A simple line of appreciation boosts my confidence the way Pediasure claimed to boost height in kids. A handwritten note is a luxury to me. A heartfelt message is something I cherish. People hate long messages, I love them. I find joy in other people’s delight, cherry on the cake if I’m the one contributing to it.
So when someone, anyone reciprocates the importance of the little things like I do, I cry. Because it makes me feel like there is someone who is valuing the little efforts I have put in to plant the ‘from ear to ear’ smile.
I don’t express much, I barely will ever be transparent with how I’m feeling on the inside, but when anyone makes me a priority, or does things with the sole intent of making me smile, I cry. Because that’s what i do too!
I live for people I like. Probably that’s why, today when someone shows interest in knowing me as a person, I make him/her my whole life, with terms and conditions obviously because once bitten twice shy, and I have learnt from my past mistakes that while everyone might show interest in you, but they don’t always have your best interests at heart. More on this later.
But then again, bless us little naive Homo sapiens.
We might be smart enough to work in buildings with elevators that go up to floor 111, but when it comes to matters of the myocardium, you lose control. Just like you lost it right now upon reading myocardium.